A few years ago, I was asked to speak at one of the family weddings that I was not leading. I was pleased to do so. It made me reflect on marriage, what makes it good, what makes it great, and what can be done daily long after the wedding to make it stay that way.

I think we’ve all attended a lavish wedding only to discover not long after that the marriage wasn’t going well. Yes, a great wedding does not a good marriage make!

At any rate, he’s what I said on that day. If you do weddings or get a chance to speak at one, feel free to take and adapt.

Ancient Words

You have finally made it to this moment – the planning and phoning and emailing and arranging and pleading and the hoping have all come together to give you an opportunity to celebrate with friends and family.

So here’s our question – was getting us all here like herding cats?

Thank you for the invitation from your family and friends to join you here on such an important occasion. 

There have already been reminders of the significance of this day to you each as an expression of love and commitment, and the reminder that we are witnesses to this union.

We’ve heard that it is important that we have companionship in life, and we know from research that this is true, that people who are in a monogamous and fulfilling relationship are healthier, live longer and find greater fulfillment in life. We also know that being in a loving relationship is good for your children. Children who grow up with emotional stability are more likely to be happy, stable, confident people.

What I am saying is obvious, your future is in your hands, but by that I do not mean in some grand scheme; to live in the right neighbourhood, or the right house or even have the right jobs. Where your best future lives is in the smallest decisions of your day.

You may have heard these wise words, which I offer to you. They aren’t mine, but they are ancient words:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails.

Love is… patient, kind, without envy….protects, hopes, trusts, never fails.

As you make decisions each day in small ways, where you choose to exercise love, here you will demonstrate to your children and to each other that love is patient, kind, without envy…that love protects, hopes, trusts, never fails.

For much of the world today, people are more interested in self-interest, self-promotion, and self-preservation.  We like the front of the line – the best seats. We like to get our coffee order first, and our package delivered before our neighbour’s. We work to have the upper hand, the greatest advantage. 

Let’s face it, most often we tend to be selfish people. In fact, not to be pessimistic, half of marriages fail and they fail because one or both of the couple become more intent on their own way, own interest, own convenience than that of their partner.

So, how do you guard your relationship? How do you make sure that what you celebrate today becomes “bulletproof”?

Let me return you to those ancient words. It’s about love, not for self, or position or comfort, but love for your partner. 

When you choose love that is patient and kind, that protects and trusts, you are on the right path to growth and intimacy. This is the kind of love that gets tough when the going gets tough. Love isn’t about fairy tales, puppy dogs, cotton candy and unicorns – it’s about hard work, commitment and a willingness to give more and get less.

You may have heard that marriage is 50/50 – so let me give you some advice from someone married almost 40 years – something that everyone with a good relationship here knows – it is not 50/50 but 100/0 – that’s right – give 100 % and expect 0%.

This is entirely in contrast to our comfort level and certainly in contrast to what the world about us is saying. But it is actually the way to getting 100% of your partner’s love – faithfulness, devotion, loyalty and intimate understanding.

More ancient words – whoever would find his/her life, must be willing to lose it.

The illustration of course, could be from agriculture.

You have a green thumb – don’t you?

Well, you know this. When the plant produces a seed, that seed must fall to the ground, be buried and die in order that the potential that is within it can be released into something much greater than just to be a seed.

Think of the caterpillar – without the metamorphosis, there is no butterfly. The time to change – the struggle to exit the cocoon- illustrates the maturing relationship of husband and wife. From a single person concerned only with self to courting to marriage to family… what emerges in time and with struggle is like the butterfly, a beautiful demonstration of transformation to more than the sum of two lives.

One final note about love…

Love that produces this kind of beauty is one that forgives. None of us gets it right in a relationship – we say or do things that disappoint or hurt the other person, and we just generally make mistakes.

Being able to say “I’m sorry I was wrong” is important – but being able to forgive is the power, the energy behind our love. 

We want you to know we are here today because we love you – we want the best for you and for your future. As you build your lives together, we wish that you will experience and exercise this powerful love, which will give you both immediate joy and a lasting relationship that will allow you to grow old together in a way that will bring the deepest and most intimate joy that can only be experienced in a long-lasting partnership.

So you see – it isn’t that you HAVE to, but that you GET to… that’s love.

May love, deep love, fill all your days.